In which Edward makes Bella feel like a real woman

Continuing Chapter Eight, which is the turning point for Edward and Bella’s relationship, during which he Saves Her Again, takes her out to dinner (forcefully) and then they banter sexily about the truth of Edward’s dark and dangerous nature – not as a man, but as a conflicted VAMPIRE-man.

Edward: You were in danger. I cannot abide you being in danger ever.

Bella: Really, it was fine…oh Edward. *looks helplessly up through her luscious (but not too pretty) lashes*

Edward: No it wasn’t dammit! *throws a car through a building* It was NOT!

Bella: Edward, you’re so angry!

Edward: Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella. (p. 164) *breaks steel girders in his fist. Tears up 10 m chunk of asphalt* You could have been HURT.

Bella: The thought of your violent urges being unleashed because of little old me make me feel all warm and tingly down there. How did you know where to find me?

Edward: I just knew, babeh. *breaks nearby wall* RARGH.

Bella: What are we doing?

Edward: *through gritted, manly teeth* I’m taking you to dinner. Because that’s what men do. They save women, and then they take them to dinner.

Bella: Your eyes…they’re so…hard.

Edward: That’s right babeh. Because that’s what men are. Hard.

Bella: Oh, Edward! Your secret vampire pain!

Edward: *turns face away*…I can’t talk about it. So I’m taking you to dinner. You need to eat. Your Edward commands you to eat. GET OUT OF THE CAR.

Bella: “I shivered at the threat in his voice.” (p. 165) I could be threatened by this, but instead I am horny.

Edward: *to unimportant other characters* May I join you, ladies?

Angela and Femmy Clone 1: *because they are like every female in this book* OH EDWARD. By the way, we inexplicably ate dinner in the time that Bella got lost, which really may have been anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour. Because that’s what friends do.

Bella: That’s okay, I’m not hungry anyway.

Edward: *something controlling and manly to the effect of YOU SHALL BE FED*

Bella: Oh, “(His) voice was low, but full of authority” ! (p. 166)

Other girls: It is totally okay for us to leave our mopey and emotionally defect friend in a random town with a creepy hawt guy from school. See ya!

Bella: No really, I’m not hungry you dumb piece of shit. (remember feisty is the new pink)

Edward: *manly obstinacy*

Bella: FINE

So they go and sit down, in the middle of a cute wittle fightey fight. Edward dazzles the servers, who are all women, Bella has a completely natural urge to KILL THEM, and Edward doesn’t notice.

Bella: I have been saved by you twice now from circumstances completely beyond my control. The second one full of rape overtones. That’s two massive love clichés in less than two hundred pages!

Edward: *expresses manly concern for Bella’s well being*

Bella: Since I am a modern woman, I bounce back from little things like near sexual assaults like a rubber band. Snap! *snaps her hand*

Edward: *expresses manly concern for Bella’s well being coupled with MANLY PROTECTIVE RAGE*

Bella: I don’t know what you’re getting at. And I’m not hungry. You pile of filthy dogshit.

Edward: “Just the same, I’ll feel better when you have some food and drink in you.” (p. 169)

Bella: Because that isn’t demeaning or controlling in any way, I am flattered. Hey, my Coke came. *to the waitress* Thanks, slutbag.

Edward: “Drink.” (P. 169)

Bella: Because this isn’t also demeaning or controlling in any way, and it’s endearing that he wants to take care of me, I am flattered. I am also not insulted by your next comment, delivered in a tone of utter “disapproval!” (p. 169)

Edward: WHERE IS YOUR JACKET

Bella: Oh Edward, say it again!

Edward: Let me give you my jacket.

Bella notices how manly and strong his manly chest is as he takes his jacket off. It is manly. Toned just like a real man should be. Oh Edward!

Bella: Your desire to protect me is clearly aligned with my desire for security.

Edward: Love hurts, babeh. Love hurts.

Again to be continued. This scene is so touching I have to break it into pieces to savour the sweet tang of love.