In which Bella realizes unconditional love is about co-dependence

Or not!

Bella, this look is not displeasure. It is 'cocktease'.

Chapter 9: “Theory” Edward and Bella drive in his car for 20 pages equaling 20 minutes in real time during which Bella realizes that yes, really she is in love with the man known on as Danger, Danger Cullen. Irrevocably, unconditionally so.

Bella: How did you find me in Port Angeles? Was it through the power of pussy love?

Edward: No Bella. It was much more primal. Like the Cinnabon smell at the mall

Bella: So it WAS love!

Edward: Well…

Edward: Sure.

Bella: Please Danger. Please. I burn with the need to penetrate your icy exterior with the hot sheath of my intellect

Edward: Oh Bella! You’re so fearless

Bella: Full disclosure between us, Danger. The very fullest. Fruit of the Loom?

Edward: Joe Boxer

Bella: We’re so much closer now

Edward: *turns face away*

Bella: What, Danger? What was that? It was so quite I could quite-

Edward: Nothing (I’m a monster) *sob* Nothing. I can’t hear your thoughts. Even though I telepathically spy on you through your closest friends, I can’t hear YOUR thoughts! I’m not normal! *wail*

Bella: No Danger! I’M not normal! You can’t spy on my every thought and desire! My mind is like Windows 95! *wail*

Edward: No Bella, I’m abnormal, you’re special. So special. *touches her not-too silky hair* so special.

Bella: Me?  Special? No Danger. Clumsiness is a fundamental character flaw. *blushes* Shitbag.

Edward: Only in need of manly protection, my sweet blood-sack. I mean…

Bella; (finding the time not to be immersed in Edward *squee!*’s perfectly sculpted chest and pained, caramel eyes, realizes the rest of the universe is still in existence) Holy fuck! You’re driving your sports car really fast!

Edward: It’s what a man lives for, baby. But I’m not just any man…I’m a vampire-man. *grits his teeth and stares into the darkness of the night*

Bella: So I got one of those native boys who are your sworn enemies to tell me about your family. Just sayin

Edward: WHAT. *breaks side mirror of car*

Bella: Jacob, you know. It’s not his fault. He can’t be held responsible for his sexual impulses. He’s a man.

Bella: I tricked it out of him using my feminine wiles, which I don’t have because I’m not that pretty or desirable, so I just don’t know what happened. I mean, who knew that yet another boy in Forks would find me irresistible?

Edward: *with a low sultry yet possessive laugh* You just don’t know how beautiful and popular you are, Bella. This certainly isn’t the secret desire of young girls everywhere.

Bella: I’m so astonished!

Edward: Poor Jacob Black. I’m going to go rip his head off right now and drink from the spurting bloodfountain. *rips out the A/C*

Bella: I still can’t believe you think I’m worthy of your attention!

Edward: *his face was bleak and cold* (pg 184) I know we’ve gone over this before…but…now that you know…
Bella: That you’re a perfect specimen of the alpha male? That every piece of you, from every angle, is sculpted from pure, carefully mined female orgasm?

Edward: Now that you know…how can you like me knowing that I…*looks away into the swiftly passing night, shedding a single tear that would make Chuck Norris proud* …I glitter?

Bella: What?

Edeard: Nothing. I just said that you’re special and that I might love you, that I have lots of money and a perfect family, (sort of) and that your social popularity is guaranteed by being my girlfriend.

Bella: But none of that matters!

Edward: You’re dumber than a box of hair.

Bella: But for love!

Edward: Don’t you understand? I’m Danger Cullen, Bella! There will never be a safe place that can protect you from the influence of my danger!

Bella: But Danger –

Edward: Don’t call me that!

Bella: I don’t care, Danger! Even if being with Danger Cullen puts me in more danger than a dangerous Dangerfield of endangered danger, I don’t care! I love you, Danger Cullen. Even if that means I have to love Danger itself!

Edward” *runs into the forest* WHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Bella: So again back to why you were following me in Port Angeles

Edward: “It makes me…anxious to be away from you.” Pg 188

Bella: That isn’t creepy at all!

Edward: This justifies my need to be close to you at all times. Especially when you’re in the shower.

Bella: All I know is that I’m irrevocably, unconditionally, in love with you.

Edward: This is wrong, Bella. Despite the fact that I’m a sexy vampire at the top of the social and class structure, representing everything desirable in a man, you should not love me. RAWR! *reaches across Bella and rips off the other side mirror of the car* WHY MUST YOU LOVE ME

Bella: You know what the best part about unconditional love is? The unconditionalness

Edward: *sob*

Bella: Oh Edward. Let’s belong to each other.

Edward: Oh Bella. I’m powerless against the power of your Cinnabon.

Edward’s Volvo: *sheds a single solitary tear of motor oil*

Well friends, it’s been a while, but I’m alive. I’m working outside again, so the power of the Internets has had little sway over me as of late. Luckily, I have weekends trapped in a small room giving parking tickets to people so I have chosen that special time to work. Today I also read some badass shit at Shakesville and I gotta tell you, those ladies over there are prime. Sweet Machine had an exceptional article about queerness and the self-male-gaze that we employ that made me really think.  I will link it soon, along with some other badass Twilight groups that I have found. Until then, keep it real.