Isn't Kristin Stewart hawt when she's not Bella?

Aw, and there went the self esteem!

Hallo friends,

As always, it’s been a while. Work ate my soul for the last couple of months, as it usually does round this time of year. Ah, mowing grass, how you stimulate my brain and motivate my creative juices.  July, August and September are never good months for the inner artistic  me.

Due to the forthcoming release of New Moon and Twilight coming to the movie network, my anti-Twilight froth has returned.  Cuz you know what, this stupid book wouldn’t piss me off so much if I could just ignore it, but aside from the fact that the cultural phenomena is like watching a really gross piece of roadkill that you just *can’t* stop looking at, it is also freaking everywhere!

So I sat down over Turkey weekend and went through chapter 10, so, at long last:

Twilight Chapter 10 INTERROGATIONS – Or, Bella realizes she has options, which means she has choices, which means she should doubt her sanity

Last we left our personable, ordinary yet spunky heroine, she was a passenger in Danger’s silver car, speeding down the highway as he struggled to control his manly-yet protective-and-therefore-endearing rage issues. Physically and metaphorically, she was being taken on a wild ride through the night…and into new realms of her own heart…

Bella: *yawn* “It is so hard to believe that last night wasn’t a dream!

Edward: (from last night) *perfect jaw, perfect face, perfect tear ducts*

Bella: He said he’s save me a seat at his lunchtable today *swoon* it’s like I’ve won the lottery!

Edward: (still from last night) *something protective yet not at all infantilizing* *finishes sentence by tucking piece of not too pretty hair behind Bella’s ear*

B: Does he really care? Can an intense, tormented, menopausal, emotionally abusive yet manly vampire-man really love little old me? Do I have paranoid schizophrenia? *wanders around in a love-struck daze that we can all understand. After all, she has been in the car of Danger itself, and lived to tell the tale*

B: You know what’s not creepy? Fantasizing about his smell. The smell of Danger. Is that burnt toast?

Bella’s Jacket: I think, therefore I am. In Edward’s car.

B: Further proof that my memory was real! (P 496)

E: Appearing not at all creepily, “Do you want to ride with me today?”

B: To herself: Stop it Bella, this is unhealthy

E: “There was uncertainty in his voice.” (pg 197) But…I thought my saving you last night, and the date we had…remember the bit about the train going into the station?

(Flashback:

E: Good Bella, nice and open, here comes the choo choo

Bella: *chews spoonful of ravioli* More Daddy, more!

End Flashback)

E: You’re a fool Edward, nothing but a fool! Now she doesn’t want to ride with you

B:  “He was really giving me a choice!” (pg 197) Oh Danger, how I crave choices! Oh wait.

E: Get in the car.

B: So worried for my welfare!

Edward: Put on your jacket. You’ll get sick, fragile human.

B: “I’m not quite that delicate.” (Pg 198)

E:  *one perfect Edward tear suspended in his perfect, immortal eye* Aren’t you?

B: This is awkward

E: Time for some redundant dialogue and blatant emotional manipulation. No twenty questions today, meatsack? Not that I wanted you to ask, or that I enjoy withholding

B: I just want to know everything about you, that’s all. The number of pairs in your genome, for example.

E: You know what’s not fair? How you ask me questions that I can choose not to answer but that I can’t use my vampire superpowers to read your mind and plumb your thoughts against your will

B: ‘“That’s not true. I always tell you what I’m thinking.”

E: “You edit.” He accused’ (pg 198)

B:  How dare I! *slaps herself in the face*

E:  *sighs* Women.

B:  I know my feelings outside of you don’t matter, but your manly withholding causes me pain too. Not that you care.

E: I’m sorry, I was having an internal monologue about how upset I am that you’re in love with me.

B: *bursts into tears*

* * *

E:  Bella, I don’t know if you noticed but *looking into the distance* I have decided…to drive you to school, pay attention to you at lunch, and otherwise act like a normal, socialized human being *his eyes came finally, dangerously, to rest on those of our heroine, so we know how portentous this is*

B: *hyperventilates*  We’re…going to share sloppy joes together?

E: I’m breaking all the rules now. (Pg 199)

B: Oh Danger, you’re such a rebel!

E: That’s right babeh. It’s what I do.

B: *in the middle of letting her eyes do that googly thing* Oh…hey Unimportant Female Characters Only Serving As A Backdrop To My Greatness. What up?

UFC’s: Bella! So after your near rape in Port Angeles you disappeared with this creepy pale guy from school and we sort of felt guilty for not having had a moment of female solidarity?

E: Hello, ladies

UFC’s:  *like every female in this book* Oh Edward!

Bella: Female soli-what?

UFC’s: Who cares!

Edward: Muah hah hah

B: Danger, everyone is looking at us. I’m like, totally embarrassed by all this attention. I’m only being seen with the most popular guy in school. Who wants me, and only me. The Bellanator.

Edward: *perfect jaw and chest* ?

B: Being the envy of every girl is so hard!

E: You know what’s not creepy at all? Mind reading. UFC1 will be waiting to ambush you in class with questions about me.

B: I could be creeped out about this. But I’m a little turned on. So, what’s she going to ask me?

E:  I knew from the moment I saw you…*brushing one perfect finger along Bella’s cheek* that you’d be okay with surveillance.

B: I supported the Patriot Act.

E: Of course you did.

E: *devilishly manly grin* Meatcakes #45 is going to ask you how you feel about me.  I could ask you myself, but communication isn’t romantic

B: “Yikes! What should I say?” (pg 200) – besides white picket fence, barefoot, pregnant, and “unconditionally, irrevocably in love with him”!

E: “I’ll be listening to hear the answer to that one myself.” (Pg 200).  *pauses to seductively tuck some hair behind her ear* (because that is just as good as first base to a 14 year-old)

B: (not at all caring that Edward is now monitoring her conversations like the government during a Commie scare) : You’re such a cheater *pout*

UFC: *something gossipy to the effect of OMGEDWARDSQUEE*

B: I just feel like he’s always there for me. *very loudly*

E: *winces in pain*

Golden Retriever Boy: Just a helpful reminder. I’m still here. Wanting you. Along with every boy in the school.

B: (still not at all caring that Edward is using people like two-way radios) It’s not creepy, its romantic! Like a father listening to a baby monitor.

Golden: Still wanting you. There’s a movie about us waiting to happen.

B: *just noticing* NotEdward, were you saying something?

G: *sob* How was Port Angeles?

B: Great, NotEdward! Thanks for asking. Sat around pretending to like some dirty Forks girls while dreaming about Edward, for no reason decided to go looking for a bookstore while thinking about Edward, got lost in the projects, nearly experienced potentially traumatizing sexual assault, and then the craziest thing happened: Me and Edward went on  a date! Isn’t that superduper important/awesome?

G: Wait what, you nearly got assaulted?

B: Thank goodness I’m a modern woman. My rape and death would have had a terrible impact on Edward.

G: You went to Port Angeles to get a dress and out of nowhere – in the projects­- Edward showed up?

B: It was like fate meant for us to be together. It was an intense moment of male-female bonding. Not at all marred by emotional scarring.

G: Sort of sounds like he followed you around in Forks, then followed you –at night- into a totally different city – until you separated from your friends and were vulnerable/alone. You say he drove up and told you to get in the car?

Bella: You don’t understand. I need protecting. I’m clumsy.

G:  But-

B: Back off, cracker. *skips away to class * Edward, EdwardEdwardEdward!

“The rest of class passed in a blur while I… agonized over Edward… listening to what I said through the medium of Jess’s thoughts.” (Pg 202)

Bella’s Forks Friend: OMG BOYZ.

Bella: Sigh. Life is so trying. *dreams about Edward’s complexity*

BFF: WEIRD THAT EDWARD *squee!*tm SHWED UP IN PORT ANGELES LIK DID U GUYZ HAV A DATE?

Bella: *shrug* Not really. He just decided, off hand, to take a trip. *suddenly leans closer*  He looks more like a golden Adonis than any man has a right to.

BFF: Um, he sure does

B: I love taking showers, feeling the warm water coursing over me…running over my lips, trickling down my neck and between my breasts…

BFF: Did you just lick my ear?

Bella: Later, baby, later.

BFF: …anyone want to play Pro-Line? *rest of room is confused* Anyone?

Bella: *mumbles* But he hasn’t kissed me yet. If he was listening, he’d know how much I want to be kissed. But since I can’t take a proactive role in this relationship, I’m relegated to speaking to him through other girls.

BFF: Haha, if he was listening, that would be a shameless cry for attention that would be sort of pathetic. Haha!

Bella: The date went okay. Edward is so deep. He told me he feels conflicted about me.

BFF: Oooh, conflict!

Bella: And even though this hobag waitress flirted with him, he only paid attention to Number 1. *points to self*

BFF: He held his natural urge to procreate in check? He must REALLY like you.

B: *blushes not to prettily* If he was listening, I’d say “I don’t know.” Just to hammer home the point. I like him…“More than he likes me.” (pg 205)

BFF:  Oh Bella, you’re so fearless. How can you be so honest about your feelings?

B: Practice.

E: *appearing in the doorway like an angelic being* Ladies, I know I look like a chiseled Greek God, but you don’t have to stare.

Girls: *squee!*

BFF: Storing *that* up for later. Checks off in notebook ‘buy new showerhead’.

B: Oh, Danger. You came for me

E: I’ll always come for you, babeh

B: Take me away from all this, Danger.

E: To the cafeteria! *swoosh*

B: So we’ve been here for ten minutes. You haven’t said anything.

E: MANLY ANGSTY RAGE

B: Let me in, Danger. *touching his cold, dead hand* Let me heal you.

E: Bella, I’ve been pretending to finish high school for the past 80 years. Nothing you can do can heal that wound

B: Oh Danger! The pain!

E: Is nothing compared…to my urge to eat you like a sirloin burger

B: Oh, lovemuffin, I’ll eat this pizza and waft the fumes at you to make you feel better.

E: Arg!

B: What is it, my sweet?

E: I can fake eating a pizza slice. I am an EIGHTY YEAR OLD MAN.

B: Who loves me for who I really am!

E: *breaks a chair*

E: Something you said to Jessica, well it bothers me. (P 208)

B: Was I editing again? I’m sorry!

E: *thunders* I warned you that I’d be listening. (pg 208)

B: I said I’m sorry!

E: I want to know everything you’re thinking. “I wish you weren’t thinking some things.” (P 208)

B: Isn’t that contradictory?

E: You can think, as long as you don’t think about what I don’t want you thinking about.

B: Wha-

E: It’s for your own good.

B: Oh, that’s fine then. You’re so handsome.

E: I know.

B: Wuv.

Edward: Wuv

Bella: I wuv you more

E: No, I wuv YOU more

B: But I can see inside you, Danger. With my womanly X-ray sympathy-vision, I can see that it’s killing you inside!

E: Perceptive, he whispered. (Pg 210)

B: I’m just a super ordinary girl, looking at a super perfect vampire boy, asking him to love her

E: Answers truthfully, because this isn’t the dream of 14 year old girls everywhere, -and even if it was, exceptions happen okay- “You’re not ordinary.” (Pg 210)

(Author Aside: The determinants for ‘special’ according to Smyers:

Bella = ordinary

Edward = super special female fantasy perfecto NotOrdinary!

Equation:

Edward > male gaze + attention > energy transference = Bella + special

Equation ShortFrm:

Bella+malegaze=Bella+1000)

E: To further flesh out this not at all implausible female fantasy: “You didn’t hear what every male in the school was thinking on your first day.” (Pg 210)

(Bella + 1000 > Forks boys >male gaze + attention – trailerpark > x 500 unit >  + 5000 male gaze pts > energy transference = Bella + 5000

Summary:

Units in MGAS (Male Gaze/Attention=Special):

Bella = ordinary + 5000

Forks girls = ordinary +  0

Therefore, according to Smeyers: Bella = sp…ordinary?

Definition of SPORDINARY: (adj.)

1. Ordinary

2. So ordinary that the most popular guy in school likes you, and the entire male population is in love with you and uses your yearbook picture as a playboy glossy.

3. NotSpecial

4. A cheap writer’s trick to rake in millions of dollars )

B: That’s not true, I mumbled. It’s not my fault Edward loves me or that the boys at school don’t like some dirty Forks poontang! I’m a victim in this! A VICTIM!

E: “I’ll hurt myself to keep from hurting you to keep you safe.” (WORD FOR WORD pg. 211)

Bella: I didn’t know true love would hurt so bad, Danger. Will I ever be safe?

E: *with a perfectly pained Edward smile* “Keeping you safe is beginning to feel like a full time occupation that requires my constant presence.” (Pg 211)

Bella: This isn’t creepy at all! Or a justification for stalking!

E: I’ll be with you every moment of every day. Even if you don’t see me. I’ll be watching.

B: Finally, you’ll be able to see the real me. In my fat pants, plucking my eyebrows, rolling my Always Maxipad so that it fits into that pink plastic outer layer…

E: …

B: I’m so glad we’ll be able to share those experiences together

E: *butterscotch butterscotch marble marble*

B: I have a favour to ask. “He looked wary as he always did when I asked an open ended question” (Pg. 216) / QUESTIONED HIS WILL

B: That trip to Seattle that we’re going to take…yeah, can I drive?

E: “His eyes were suddenly furious.” (Pg. 216)

B: “I leaned back, stunned and frightened by his reaction.” (Pg. 216) Seriously Danger, you have more moodswings than a chick on menopause

E: “You need a healthy dose of fear.” (Pg. 216)

B: That doesn’t reek of domestic violence at all!

Other girls in the room: *swoon*

B: *points at them* Living the dream, bitches! Living the dream!

Also just for the record, everytime I search for Twilight images to lampoon I come across SHITLOADS of bad fanart. Damn. I mean, I know I was all into that when I was a tween (HeeroxDuo4Evars etc) but did I photoshop my favourite characters together into shitty montages?  No, no I did not. And argh, all the pics of Bella and Edward feature Bella in a state of pathetic femininity that makes me want to punch the Internet like Superboy Prime.

Whatever Twilight. Greta Garbo and Queen Christina still pwn you, and it was made in 1933! WAY TO REGRESS.

If Bella were Greta Garbo, Twilight would be way better, I tell you.

http://blogs.warwick.ac.uk/images/michaelwalford/2007/04/07/garbo_queen_christina_2.jpg

Or not!

Bella, this look is not displeasure. It is 'cocktease'.

Chapter 9: “Theory” Edward and Bella drive in his car for 20 pages equaling 20 minutes in real time during which Bella realizes that yes, really she is in love with the man known on as Danger, Danger Cullen. Irrevocably, unconditionally so.

Bella: How did you find me in Port Angeles? Was it through the power of pussy love?

Edward: No Bella. It was much more primal. Like the Cinnabon smell at the mall

Bella: So it WAS love!

Edward: Well…

Edward: Sure.

Bella: Please Danger. Please. I burn with the need to penetrate your icy exterior with the hot sheath of my intellect

Edward: Oh Bella! You’re so fearless

Bella: Full disclosure between us, Danger. The very fullest. Fruit of the Loom?

Edward: Joe Boxer

Bella: We’re so much closer now

Edward: *turns face away*

Bella: What, Danger? What was that? It was so quite I could quite-

Edward: Nothing (I’m a monster) *sob* Nothing. I can’t hear your thoughts. Even though I telepathically spy on you through your closest friends, I can’t hear YOUR thoughts! I’m not normal! *wail*

Bella: No Danger! I’M not normal! You can’t spy on my every thought and desire! My mind is like Windows 95! *wail*

Edward: No Bella, I’m abnormal, you’re special. So special. *touches her not-too silky hair* so special.

Bella: Me?  Special? No Danger. Clumsiness is a fundamental character flaw. *blushes* Shitbag.

Edward: Only in need of manly protection, my sweet blood-sack. I mean…

Bella; (finding the time not to be immersed in Edward *squee!*’s perfectly sculpted chest and pained, caramel eyes, realizes the rest of the universe is still in existence) Holy fuck! You’re driving your sports car really fast!

Edward: It’s what a man lives for, baby. But I’m not just any man…I’m a vampire-man. *grits his teeth and stares into the darkness of the night*

Bella: So I got one of those native boys who are your sworn enemies to tell me about your family. Just sayin

Edward: WHAT. *breaks side mirror of car*

Bella: Jacob, you know. It’s not his fault. He can’t be held responsible for his sexual impulses. He’s a man.

Bella: I tricked it out of him using my feminine wiles, which I don’t have because I’m not that pretty or desirable, so I just don’t know what happened. I mean, who knew that yet another boy in Forks would find me irresistible?

Edward: *with a low sultry yet possessive laugh* You just don’t know how beautiful and popular you are, Bella. This certainly isn’t the secret desire of young girls everywhere.

Bella: I’m so astonished!

Edward: Poor Jacob Black. I’m going to go rip his head off right now and drink from the spurting bloodfountain. *rips out the A/C*

Bella: I still can’t believe you think I’m worthy of your attention!

Edward: *his face was bleak and cold* (pg 184) I know we’ve gone over this before…but…now that you know…
Bella: That you’re a perfect specimen of the alpha male? That every piece of you, from every angle, is sculpted from pure, carefully mined female orgasm?

Edward: Now that you know…how can you like me knowing that I…*looks away into the swiftly passing night, shedding a single tear that would make Chuck Norris proud* …I glitter?

Bella: What?

Edeard: Nothing. I just said that you’re special and that I might love you, that I have lots of money and a perfect family, (sort of) and that your social popularity is guaranteed by being my girlfriend.

Bella: But none of that matters!

Edward: You’re dumber than a box of hair.

Bella: But for love!

Edward: Don’t you understand? I’m Danger Cullen, Bella! There will never be a safe place that can protect you from the influence of my danger!

Bella: But Danger –

Edward: Don’t call me that!

Bella: I don’t care, Danger! Even if being with Danger Cullen puts me in more danger than a dangerous Dangerfield of endangered danger, I don’t care! I love you, Danger Cullen. Even if that means I have to love Danger itself!

Edward” *runs into the forest* WHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Bella: So again back to why you were following me in Port Angeles

Edward: “It makes me…anxious to be away from you.” Pg 188

Bella: That isn’t creepy at all!

Edward: This justifies my need to be close to you at all times. Especially when you’re in the shower.

Bella: All I know is that I’m irrevocably, unconditionally, in love with you.

Edward: This is wrong, Bella. Despite the fact that I’m a sexy vampire at the top of the social and class structure, representing everything desirable in a man, you should not love me. RAWR! *reaches across Bella and rips off the other side mirror of the car* WHY MUST YOU LOVE ME

Bella: You know what the best part about unconditional love is? The unconditionalness

Edward: *sob*

Bella: Oh Edward. Let’s belong to each other.

Edward: Oh Bella. I’m powerless against the power of your Cinnabon.

Edward’s Volvo: *sheds a single solitary tear of motor oil*

Well friends, it’s been a while, but I’m alive. I’m working outside again, so the power of the Internets has had little sway over me as of late. Luckily, I have weekends trapped in a small room giving parking tickets to people so I have chosen that special time to work. Today I also read some badass shit at Shakesville and I gotta tell you, those ladies over there are prime. Sweet Machine had an exceptional article about queerness and the self-male-gaze that we employ that made me really think.  I will link it soon, along with some other badass Twilight groups that I have found. Until then, keep it real.

Sorry Edward, Jacob hit puberty and got much hotter than you.

This could also be known as: New Moon, The Fight For the Hearts and Minds of North America’s Females, by Stephanie Meyer.

At the moment, Meyer: 1 The Thinking Population: 0

Bella: These sultry eyes are sultry. Get it?

Jacob: RRRRRR!

Edward: RRRRR!

Bella: How could all of this manly rage be over someone like me? I’m just a normal girl with a slim figure, pale skin, and hawt conflicted man-things trying to muff-dive the Bella Sanctuary. WHY IS LIFE SO HARD! SO FUCKING HARD! *sob*

That I got myself off my ass and wrote myself out of that corner. Thank god. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so trapped by my own creation before. I’m not gonna lie, I hated that plains sequence once I got to it. I don’t excel at fish out of water sequences, and frankly my grasp of what a nomadic society would be like was a little thin and somewhat shitty. So I apologize on behalf of my ineptitude, for all that time I spent laying the groundwork for THIS scene,  wherein Toil gets rightly shat on for being a coward and just leaving Tellan’s clan with no word as to why, right after the birth of Fharr’s child. (not posted. Scene so ugly, can’t look at it right now)

So this scene I wrote in about an hour, even though I wrote it in my head a year ago.  And thank god it was painless and flowed out of me like writing should. I was trying to achieve a sense of Toil’s boredom, her disgust and resignation with the gladiators, and also the broader context of the High City society. Also, the fact that the war between the two nations has begun again, with vigor. I like the scene, I think its decently successful, despite changing tenses ten times. I feel a writing bug coming on.

Medieval wimmins like pokey items

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PART IV: THE ARISTOCRAT

Swirling the wine in the expensive glass, wishing it was ale. One elbow on the table, knuckle beneath her chin, Toil watching the brightly outfitted dancers swirling on the floor. Strains of music from the band flowing around them. She’s sitting near the heavily laden food table at the side, long limbs carefully swathed in uncomfortably tight ad nd scratchy clothing. Someone had brushed her hair for her, or tried to, she’d swatted them away before the servant was done. Watching as Videl and the other gladiators sauntered about with ten women on each arm, soaking up the party like drought-stricken plants. Glad that Solace kept her out of it. Sworn the gladiators and staff to secrecy, and by the looks of things, when Solace laid down the law, she laid it hard. No one had approached her about the Arena. Not once. As she was watching, Videl’s black, sleek head turned to her. She couldn’t hear what she said but the women on Videl’s arms turned to look at her and giggled. Toil forced her mouth to crack a smile and nodded with her wine. They moved on and she snorted to herself. Looked into her wineglass again, thinking she’s going o need ten more to make this evening less than agonizing.

Crowds didn’t make her nervous, Toil just didn’t like them. The music was cloying. A few garishly outfitted aristocrats had attempted to speak with her, looking young and done up. Tellan would never allow herself to look like that. These girls looked at her with coy smiles, strange words and accents emerging out of their mouths, eyes darting. Toil asked them if they knew what type of valkyrie armor they were faux wearing. They didn’t. The conversation ended there.

Across the room, Solace glided amongst the guests in shimmering blue and with a complex overlay of copper faux-armor. Making mental tallies of which Motherhouses were represented here, which members they sent, if they were wearing the most recent fashions. Many of them were. Solace was pleased with the turnout. The occasion was supposed to be founder’s day, commemorating the first Hath woman to find the High City when it was still abandoned. A Greeth clan member had put it on, a suitable middle range bloodline. It was a good time to showcase her gladiators, to talk about the Arena’s new rules. On that thought, her eyes turned to Toil, sitting alone and looking disinterestedly into her wineglass. Arena attendance had shot up wit her return. It helped, of course, that they were at war.

Everyone wanted to see the Tombstone annihilate some Greylanders.

A cheer goes up from one side of the great hall, a great toast to the four or five gladiators gathered there. She can hear them toasting their valiance, recounting kills from the week before. “To victory! Death to the Greylands!” They cried. Toil leveling a resigned gaze at them as she downs the fourth glass of wine. Shakes her head. More wine.

Just before the host is supposed to deliver a speech, the room floods with more guests, many of them from different areas in the City. Well dressed aristocrats, clearly coming from other parties, politicians, thank the Goddess no soldiers, but it was only a matter of time, Toil thought sourly. Without her knowledge, as she speared some meat with a fork, the crowds parted, and a group of elegantly dressed Sisters entered the hall. One of them with a valkyrie in leather uniform. It was a laugh that lifted Toil’s head like it was on a string. Squinting, eyes settled on a small aristocrat, laughing loudly about something. The aristocrat was overdressed, with armor modeled after a Chimera. So she thought she was a few steps below the General huh? Faces next to her, long faces, one of them smiling shyly with downcast eyes. Then suddenly like she been struck by lighting, Toil got up from her seat, looking frantically for a place less exposed.

Fharr looked across the room, catching the eye of a few ladies here, giving them an award-winning smile. Saw a broad back of a very tall person. Not exactly the grace of a horserider, the blunt power of a pikewoman or front-liner. Must be a blacksmith. She liked those. Nice, strong hands, especially the fingers. Then just as suddenly as she’d appraised the stranger, she frowned expression darkening from something genial into something black as pitch.

Tellan looked after her sister, who’d shot off and disappeared. Leaving her alone with Hrey, The aristocrat was smiling at her in a particular way. Hrey’d just finished telling her about a pilgrimage she’d made to the mountains of the Inner Sea. Tellan was entranced. The artistocrat told her she was beautiful. Tellan blushed. Hrey took her hand and drew her towards a group of young women, all dressed to the nines in faux-armor. In her Sister robe, Tellan gulped.

At a segregated table, where the women only wore their faux armor modeled in real gold, the aristocrat looked up from giggling about so and so’s choice of mate (big nose) to see Hrey leading a sweet faced Sister across the dance floor. She gestured to it with her chin. “Hrey’s thinking she’s getting free roses tonight,” she observed. The table erupted with laughter.

Just as Hrey was telling Tellan about the meaning in egg tempura painting on the wall, Fharr yanked Toil around by the arm and let her have it. Threw Toil’s remaining fifth glass into her face. A few people around them gasp and move away. Toil curses in exasperation, wiping the stinging liquid out of her eyes.

“I have had just about enough of you!” she hissed, eyes showing white all around. “You don’t know what kind of idiot you are. My sister, she spent days weeping and praying! The same week that she was supposed to be so happy to leave for her rightful place in the Sister school, she was red eyed and convinced that if she prayed hard enough you’d emerge out of the night unscathed! Because she thinks you’re a damn saint. At least she did, until Captain broke it to her that you’d been dismissed two days before!”

Fharr reached over and took the glass of wine out of the hand of a gorgeous woman with red hair. She tossed it back, said, “You’d better get over there and apologize to my sister. Don’t bother to try to talk to me. We’re done.” She turned to the angry redhead, suddenly seven kinds of charm, and bore her away into the crowd. Toil stared after her, wine still dripping off her face.

And the countdown to Toil laying the beatdown on Hrey for messing with Tellan begins now.

Ahoy, I have been swamped with life and have had no room for the horror of Twilight in my daily life. But new people around me kept bringing it up, talking about how they read all four books in a weekend and couldn’t put it down. How great it was. Meanwhile I was mentally writing their book opinions off For Ever + -100 points of coolness as a matter of principle.

And as for Twilight being a harbinger of the apocalypse, it is followed with disturbing closeness by this and its various incarnations, ALL picked up by major news sources. What. The. Fuck.  I can’t even get into it right now. So I wrote about the last part of Chapter eight to make myself feel better.

This is a shoulder-arm grab of love, kids!

Continuing Twilight, Chapter Eight: Port Angeles, or Edward wants to feed you.  Because that isn’t infantalizing at all.

Edward: Eat. You should be going into shock.

Bella: Oh Edward, your forcefield of Safeness protects me.

Edward: *sheds tiny, manly tear of happiness*

Bella: Just so you know, I’ve ingested three starchy, dried bread sticks. This is so relevant.

Edward: *is still preoccupied with having fulfilled his Ultimate Purpose as a Man*

Bella: For no reason, your eyes change colour with your emotions. This another great example of your characterization, along with your manly chest, pale skin, manly arms, manly muscles, and squarejawed manliness.

Edward: You could have been hurt. I just thought we should revisit that.

Bella: Oh Edward. *her bosom heaves, and because its Bella, it heaves clumsily* I have so many questions for you.

Edward: That’s fine babeh. I am prepared to provide. I am a provider.

Bella: Do you eat fish?

Edward: DON:T MAKE ME ANSWER THAT!

Bella: Why?

Edward: *Rocks in his chair. Whispers something unintelligible something about feeling violated*

Bella: You can trust me. Love is about having no boundaries. Let us become that, Edward. Let us become that amoeba.

Edward: “he seemed to be wavering, torn by some internal dilemma.” p 173

Bella: You can trust me. Edward…through my mad female skillz, I will save you from your secret, manly loneliness.

Edward: HOW DID YOU KNOW?

Bella: Like I said, Mad Female Skillz.

Edward: Wrong, I was so WRONG, Bella. *runs off into the forest* WHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYy

Bella: I don’t know why you think I’m a magnet for trouble. Being almost hit by a car and assaulted by random flannels is normal for your average Romance Female.

Edward: *still in the forest* WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYyyyyy…

Bella: I mean, the car thing, that’s totally normal. Being lost in the projects, also normal. The projects are behind city hall.

Edward: I just want to keep you alive, Bella. Because you are incapable of keeping yourself alive. *forcefeeds Bella a buttered roll*

Bella: Oh, Danger! How did you know?

Edward: I followed you from Forks. Because I wuv you. This isn’t creepy at all.

Bella: Again, instead of being creeped out in any way, I am horny. Oh Danger, say it again.

Edward: I followed you without your knowledge into Port Angeles so that I could watch you from my car. Because danger is everywhere.

Bella: I could wonder rationally “if it should bother me that he was following me; instead I felt a strange surge of pleasure” (p 174) in my nether regions.

Edward: I am unable to control my manly urges, Bella. Don’t you see, you are destined to die/ be the victim of spousal abuse/ forever?

Bella: All I want is to soothe your pain.

Edward: You don’t understand what it is to be a man, Bella. When I saw those men threatening you… *crushes the salt shaker. Bites off the tongs of a nearby fork* I was afraid if I didn’t take you to dinner, I would lose control and do something awful. Oh Bella, thank you for holding back my manly animal urges. *spits out the tong pieces*

Bella: Oh Edward…this is exactly what every female wants to hear. Hey, we’re still in this restaurant, and the waitress is still hitting on you.

Waitress: *smiles invitingly*

Bella: My urge to kill has passed. It has been replaced by smugness. I could patent the manly Edward smell emanating off this jacket.

Continuing Chapter Eight, which is the turning point for Edward and Bella’s relationship, during which he Saves Her Again, takes her out to dinner (forcefully) and then they banter sexily about the truth of Edward’s dark and dangerous nature – not as a man, but as a conflicted VAMPIRE-man.

Edward: You were in danger. I cannot abide you being in danger ever.

Bella: Really, it was fine…oh Edward. *looks helplessly up through her luscious (but not too pretty) lashes*

Edward: No it wasn’t dammit! *throws a car through a building* It was NOT!

Bella: Edward, you’re so angry!

Edward: Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella. (p. 164) *breaks steel girders in his fist. Tears up 10 m chunk of asphalt* You could have been HURT.

Bella: The thought of your violent urges being unleashed because of little old me make me feel all warm and tingly down there. How did you know where to find me?

Edward: I just knew, babeh. *breaks nearby wall* RARGH.

Bella: What are we doing?

Edward: *through gritted, manly teeth* I’m taking you to dinner. Because that’s what men do. They save women, and then they take them to dinner.

Bella: Your eyes…they’re so…hard.

Edward: That’s right babeh. Because that’s what men are. Hard.

Bella: Oh, Edward! Your secret vampire pain!

Edward: *turns face away*…I can’t talk about it. So I’m taking you to dinner. You need to eat. Your Edward commands you to eat. GET OUT OF THE CAR.

Bella: “I shivered at the threat in his voice.” (p. 165) I could be threatened by this, but instead I am horny.

Edward: *to unimportant other characters* May I join you, ladies?

Angela and Femmy Clone 1: *because they are like every female in this book* OH EDWARD. By the way, we inexplicably ate dinner in the time that Bella got lost, which really may have been anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour. Because that’s what friends do.

Bella: That’s okay, I’m not hungry anyway.

Edward: *something controlling and manly to the effect of YOU SHALL BE FED*

Bella: Oh, “(His) voice was low, but full of authority” ! (p. 166)

Other girls: It is totally okay for us to leave our mopey and emotionally defect friend in a random town with a creepy hawt guy from school. See ya!

Bella: No really, I’m not hungry you dumb piece of shit. (remember feisty is the new pink)

Edward: *manly obstinacy*

Bella: FINE

So they go and sit down, in the middle of a cute wittle fightey fight. Edward dazzles the servers, who are all women, Bella has a completely natural urge to KILL THEM, and Edward doesn’t notice.

Bella: I have been saved by you twice now from circumstances completely beyond my control. The second one full of rape overtones. That’s two massive love clichés in less than two hundred pages!

Edward: *expresses manly concern for Bella’s well being*

Bella: Since I am a modern woman, I bounce back from little things like near sexual assaults like a rubber band. Snap! *snaps her hand*

Edward: *expresses manly concern for Bella’s well being coupled with MANLY PROTECTIVE RAGE*

Bella: I don’t know what you’re getting at. And I’m not hungry. You pile of filthy dogshit.

Edward: “Just the same, I’ll feel better when you have some food and drink in you.” (p. 169)

Bella: Because that isn’t demeaning or controlling in any way, I am flattered. Hey, my Coke came. *to the waitress* Thanks, slutbag.

Edward: “Drink.” (P. 169)

Bella: Because this isn’t also demeaning or controlling in any way, and it’s endearing that he wants to take care of me, I am flattered. I am also not insulted by your next comment, delivered in a tone of utter “disapproval!” (p. 169)

Edward: WHERE IS YOUR JACKET

Bella: Oh Edward, say it again!

Edward: Let me give you my jacket.

Bella notices how manly and strong his manly chest is as he takes his jacket off. It is manly. Toned just like a real man should be. Oh Edward!

Bella: Your desire to protect me is clearly aligned with my desire for security.

Edward: Love hurts, babeh. Love hurts.

Again to be continued. This scene is so touching I have to break it into pieces to savour the sweet tang of love.

Have you never clung to the back of a teenage vampire as he runs through the trees? Then you have not loved.

Now for the first undulating climax of Bella and Danger Cullen’s epic love story. I bring you Chapter 8: Port Angeles, or, Rapists Are Everywhere!

We rejoin our heroine shortly after she has made one of the toughest decision in her whole life: to love.

She’s on the way to Port Angeles with Jess and Angela to go shopping. Along the way, we learn that Bella never had a boyfriend in Phoenix. Why? Her friends ask, since Bella has made it clear that Phoenix is better in every way than Forks.

“Because no one ever asked me,” says Bella. Because thought Bella may be embarassingly inexperienced at wuv, (like me!) she is totally willing to take matters into her own hands by Not Asking Anyone on a date Ever. Because if boys don’t ask you out, you’re probably ugly.

Oh Bella, despite your charming shyness and inexperience, you are still desired by many boys – even though they are dirty/repulsive/blue-collar Forks boys.  I am also inexperienced and never take the initiative, but clearly this only entitles me to more male attention than if I was a) nice to people or b) took responsibility for any of my actions. Hooray!

Also, since Bella is cruelly pale, slim and clumsy, she doesn’t fit the ‘girlie’ profile. I can also relate to that, Bella! I also, am not 6” with long legs and blonde hair! Thank you for representing me and all the other grrlz out there! Also, it is totally appropriate for you to disdain impractical cookie cutter girliness. Bella is her own woman. She doesn’t need high heels and semi-formal dances. As long as she humours those inbred Forks girls while they’re trying on dresses and stupid, strappy heels, she can seem as though she cares about them and isn’t thinking about a) how shallow they are b) how fitting in is for LOSERS or c) Edward *squee!*.

After the horribly long time in the dress store where Bella selflessly complimented both Jess and Angela “generously” and returned the dress rejects to the rack, she decides rationally to split with the other girls and go to a bookstore that she doesn’t know how to find in a town that she doesn’t know at dusk. Bella is so independent. She doesn’t need to do girlie things like stay in groups. She’s a real woman. I admire her.

Bella ends up “meandering” through the streets, but because she’s so preoccupied with thoughts of Danger, she doesn’t realize that she’s lost until it is…dun dun…TOO LATE. Bella, adorably unable to a) carry and cellphone or compass and b) have any sense of direction whatsoever, is suddenly alone. Suddenly, SO SUDDENLY, there are faceless, undescriptive empty streets everywhere, full of plot holes and clichés that beckon to her.

How has this happened? Oh Bella! Like a normal girl, you made a few (may be 20) wrong turns and now you’re in the projects. Gasp! What is the fear of every young, beautiful only slightly pretty white girl?

Random guys: *menacing laughter*

Bella: Oh,  woe, for I am so lost. How shall I escape from this orchestrated situation that is not my fault?

Random guys: We’re wearing flannel

Bella: Surely, you don’t want to have…sexual relations with me, like every other guy in this book?

Random guys: Of course we do.

Bella: I’m so scared and helpless! *lighting crashes* 

Random dudes: Hey, look at that, complete and utter darkness has fallen.

Bella: *sob*

Random dudes: Didn’t you know, stranger rape is the only way that rape happens. Rape is all about the sex.

Bella: If only I was less attractive!

Random dudes: And surely you also know that there’s only two breeds of men in the world: Men who Rape You and men that Save You. We are the former. Prepare to become a repressed sexual cliché, little girl!

Bella: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Edward: Here I come to save the day! *accompanied by a thunderous round of Ride of the Valkyrie*

Bella: Oh Edward!

Edward: Come with me if you want to live

Bella: Oh, yes, Edward, yes! Yes yes yes, oh YES! RIGHT THERE< EDWARD!

Edward: The name is Cullen. Danger Cullen.

Bella: How did you know where to find me, Danger?

Edward: Don’t talk about this now. I must fight manly territorial urges. NURGH NURGH NURGH

Bella: Oh Edward!

Edward: Please, use your feminine ways to calm me.

Bella: Since I am not a boring, cookie cutter Mary Sue, I don’t know how to be a stupid, comforting girly girl. I will make awkward conversation instead.

Edward: Oh Bella, you’re so different from all the other girls

Bella: Oh Edward! You’re so different from all the other boys!

Edward: WUV

Bella: WUV

 To be continued!

So yes, one day I will rent or download a decent version of Twilight and watch it. I know, I know . The horror, the horror, but again, the movie is a phenomenon watched by more people than read the news or who know what proportional representation is. Movies are unfortunately one of the largest sources of cultural commonality (or put simple ‘glue’) that we got, and Twilight is one of the only ones this year marketed to girls.

That fact alone is painful. Aside from the zillions of young minds warped by the books (Proving once again, for the record this time, that being on the New York Times bestseller list doesn’t mean squat), there’s a movie that all those same minds, plus their friends and friends of friends, also saw. Thusly setting women’s rights and gender enlightenment back a decade or more.

But aside from that, I have a sick curiosity about it, because hey, a woman directed it, and a woman scripted it, and last time I checked, women made up 6% of the people behind the camera in Hollywood. So bully for them.

Additionally, as a film student, and a literary snob, I firmly believe that there is no POSSIBLE WAY that the movie could be worse than the book. It Just. Isn’t. Possible. Even if someone took the book and made it into a screenplay almost word for word (god forbid) it would still be better than the book because that’s how bad of a writer Stephanie Myers really is.

Hell, the book cries out to be a screenplay. Whole pages can be omitted without consequence.  Bella listened to her Casio cd player that was old and purple? Bella brushed her teeth with cool mint Crest? Edward’s arms are perfect/manly/handsome/muscley/perfect and ten pages later are STILL PERFECT – WOW WHO CARES.

Anyway, so the reason for this was: I felt masochistic and watched the first five minutes of the movie on Alluc. Verdict?

Better.

So much better. Dispensed with all Bella’s redundant crap in the first two chapters, boiled it down to about two minutes, and made it feel more emotional and real than anything Meyer put to paper in the first 35 pages.  Established Forks, Charlie and Jacob Black in under five minutes with some cute touches and hella superiour acting by Charlie and The Camera itself.  Really, the movie is still going to be about abstinence, abstinence, Bella being a sack of useless crap, Edward moping OH MY HUMANITY and so on and so forth, gender roles, gender gender gender mormon sermon, gender.

Back to the book soon, currently procrastinating on some public affairs.

We continue with the saga of Bella and Danger Cullen, brought together by circumstance, they must now defy both fate and adolescence to become…Wuv. Wuv as we’ve never seen it before. Because the only people to hate love also have no friends and wear their hair like that kid from school in grade 5 who no one liked and always sat alone at lunchtime. So there.

Chapter 7 – Nightmare. Or, Bella has a wet dream about Edward and realizes that it’s really his mind and compelling life goals that attract her to him

Bella comes home from camping to Charlie watching basketball like the adorable slightly incompetent father he is. She listens to loud music to try to rattle the thoughts right out of her only slightly pretty head. Oh Bella, I can relate to listening to music and wanting to escape a painful situation. Like any young girl, when things get bad, I put in my Good Charlotte and immediately feel better knowing that nothing is my fault.

She then has a frightening and nto at all obvious dream aout being in the forest and having several men fight over her and try to protect her, a situation which is clearly distressing and is not the secret desire of young girls everywhere. But protect her from who? A potentially half naked and glowing Edward! *squee!* Who needs protection from that?

Bella wakes as Jacob, in a nightmarish Freudian vision, becomes a frightening yet manly man-wolf. Edward, whose normal state of manly perfection is marred by shockingly manly fangs, smiles at Bella.

Edward: I am not the face of your repressed sexual urges

Bella: NO JACOB!

Jacob: I certainly also do not embody both boyish charm and manly savagery. Hey Edward. Say hello to my little friend.

Bella: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEDWARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD

All those thoughts she’s been trying with (surprisingly easy) success to repress suddenly surface! Edward is a Cold One, an otherworldly, beautiful manfully conflicted man-thing. What is a not-so-pretty yet modern heroine to do?

Because Stephanie Meyer wants us to experience Bella’s intense internal struggle, she describes in riveting detail Bella’s emotional conflict.

Bella: Time to dry my hair/make my bed/eat some cereal/turn on the computer/dry the bowl and spoon used for the cereal/drag my feet up the stairs/pick up my CD player(where it was on the floor 2.5 metres from the southwest wall)/put it away( in the drawer, Bella’s favourite drawer)/close all the popup windows on the computer screen while sitting on my hard folding chair that makes me think of this one time at camp, and search ‘vampire’ at a surely worthy and reputable site called Vampires A-C.

Because Bella is modern and hip, she uses the internets. She also hates dialup. Oh Bella! The horror of modems! The strain must be terrible! You’re such a trooper, Bella. I wish I could be you.

What internet skills! Vampires A-Z (so promising!) is simply designed (black and white text with popup windows for Telus, PartyPoker, Playstation III, Aren’t We Naughty, Pro-Life Coalition, Jelly Belly Jellybeans and Canadian Tire) and thusly chock full of academic credibility! Oh Bella! Black and white are academic colours! I could never have found such a website.

Bella is upset about finding out about a vampire called the stregoni benifici. It’s supposed to be…a good vampire? How can this be? What an emotional conundrum! Vampires don’t have to be evil? Edward has a…choice? And isn’t bound at all by any burdens of vampirism whatsoever?

Bella: LIFE IS HARD.

She can’t cope with the burden of this knowledge so she runs into the forest.

Bella: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy….

She proceeds to be crushed by bone-crushing despair.

Then it hits her! Bella realizes that in her dream, she wanted to protect Edward from Jacob, and realizes in a bright flash of light that this means she’s in wuv. Because protectiveness is the highest form of expressing one’s wuv. She feels content with this decision: The decision to wuv. She looks around at the unforgiving eternalness of the forest, and decides to take a risky and roguish chance…on a man. Who wants to eat her.

Ah Bella, making the tough choices. She’s my role model.

Great Decisions Having Been Made, Bella skips to school.

Bella: Edward! EdwardEdwardEdwardEdward! Hey, NotEdward!

Mike: Bella, like every male in this book, I desire you

Bella: cools. So how’s your essay?

Mike: Time to make an observation about the highlights in your hair and tuck it behind your ear. Because this is so much creepier than being in love with a controlling, 108 year old man who has never left high school.

Bella: Dirty Forks boys.

Mike: So what’s your essay on?

Bella: MISOGYNY, ANDROID OF THE PATRIARCHY!

Mike: Bella…you’re just so smart. Thanks for deigning to speak to me today whilst entertaining thoughts of RealEdward.

Bella: No probz

Oh Bella! I see it now! The chains of patriarchy were dissolved long ago and you are free to love whomever and whatever you choose, especially if they’re dark and primordial, manly, square jawed, and tragically conflicted.

Bella: Empowerment, yay!

She continues with her day, a day dismal without the sun or the sight of Danger Cullen to light her way. Eventually she comes home to sleep, reads some Jane Austen. Because Bella isn’t just slightly-pretty, she’s smart. She’s a real outsider.

Bella: Oh Ponyboy…I mean, what? Oh whatever. I’m just going to sun myself outside and be a part of an obvious metaphor for sexual desire.

“I would think of nothing but the warmth on my skin, I told myself severely. I pulled all my hair over my head, letting it fan out on the quilt above me, and focused on the heat that touched my eyelids, my cheekbones, my nose, my lips, my neck, soaked through my light shirt…” (p. 148)

Because not-all-that-pretty girls with little-to-no self-esteem never love to think that while they slumber, some beautiful man will stop, observe and desire them while they are in a perfect pose of passive feminine desire. This is also, clearly, not a metaphor for Bella’s budding relationship with The Man In The Boat or her Little Jumping Bean.

So Charlie comes home and they watch a show that neither of them enjoy but Bella notes that he seems happy that they can do something together. Again, she is happy knowing that he is happy. Because Bella is selfless and heroic and we should all try to be as empowered as she is.

Next: Will the real Mary Sue please stand up? Why rape as a plot device is both hip, modern, and never used before as a way to demonstrate one’s character’s Undying Wuv for another.